I know, I know, its been a LONG time since I've written on here!  My brand new blog and I have neglected it terribly!  Oh, I am sorry.  What can I say?  Life has seriously been busy.  Its just flown by!  Tomorrow, on the 31st May, I would have been living in my rented converted barn for a year now and its been the best thing I did to clear my head and focus on me in the way I've always wanted and to be honest, needed to do.  I lived on my own in there for a few months and then have had a flatmate for the last few months too.  My current flatmate is Lauren ('Lozza') Selby - she's one of my clients and she's become one of my best friends.  She's an incredible athlete and is a pro squash player and one of my missions in life is to help take her to the top!  Such a pleasure to train and live with.  I am very lucky indeed.  She's one to watch - and her brother Daryl Selby is soon to be one of my clients too - how exciting as he's just been selected for the Commonwealth Games team!  What a sporting family of legends they are!

LOZZA IN ACTION....     

The great thing about living with a top sportswoman is that it enhances the atmosphere we both live in as we are both incredibly goal driven.  I need to live with a person that is happy and upbeat, respects and understands my sport, my life, its long hours and my personal space and Lozza needs all of that too.  I can be quite OCD at times (which I try to work on but hey, I'm far from perfect!) if not a bit highly strung and Lozza is the perfect balance as she is mega chilled out.  Its been a hell of a time for the last wee while and I couldn't ask for a better flattie and she always makes me smile or laugh when I come home with bags under my eyes - I'm up at 5am most mornings to head to work, I ditch the car and power walk to and from work, train up to 9 clients a day, train myself 2+ hours a day and am at work most nights til 10pm so as you can imagine, sleep and spare time is a luxury!  I generally manage about 5 and a half hours of sleep a night which is really challenging and on top of this, my divorce is far from being finalised so that adds to the pressure of life too.  Hey, life's challenges are what its all about and I choose to keep fighting forward, leaving behind the garbage and holding on to my dreams, fighting for what I believe in and building my future.  Its worth every bit of sacrifice!

With my dear friend Chris Morrison (below) at the Expo...                                         

The biggest draw card of the Expo was Jay Cutler, the current Mr Olympia!  He is just incredible.  Sadly, the queue to meet the man himself, shake his hand and get our picture taken with him was just too long so we missed out on that bit but got to enjoy his fantastic seminar.  He came across so down to earth, very humble and was an incredible sight in person and a world of wisdom to listen to.  Check him out in his off season shape - awesome!!! 

A MAN THAT NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION - THE CURRENT MR OLYMPIA, JAY CUTLER!                                                      

He was just amazing in person!  Thanks so much to Peter Chown for taking this pic during his seminar.

So, its 8 weeks today til I hit the stage for my first qualifier of the year!  I can't wait.  I feel focused, strong and ready to take on the competition.  On the 25th July 2010, I will step on stage at the BNBF Central Champs to qualify for the big one...the BNBF British where I aim to win this year!  I have about 4-5 kilos more muscle on my frame than I did 3 years ago, I've managed to keep big injuries at bay, my prep, diet and training has been vastly different and I feel more excited about competing than I ever have done before!  Its a great feeling to feel this excited about something and to want it so much.  I really have a feeling that the natural stage is mine this year.  Now that may sound arrogant - far from it.  I have just learned that in order to reach the top and fight for what you really want and achieve it, you have to know, believe in your heart that it is already yours.  And that British title and natural pro card?  Yep, its mine!  I've wanted it for years now.  This is just another thing I know I can and will achieve and the nice thing about every time I achieve something big, someone else always benefits from it too.  Its just the way the world seems to work.  You may have a differing opinion on this for sure but in my own experience of massive highs and lows, its self love and total self belief with good intention and genuine heart that comes to fruition, makes dreams come true and enriches the life of those around me as well as my own life.  You've got to be able to love, forgive, learn and know who YOU are before you can really love others and make a true difference to other people in this life.  And when you have doubt, I've learned that you just have to replace it with utter faith and instead of worrying about how its going to happen and searching for a way to make things work, just relax, have total faith and belief that you'll have what you dream...the rest will be taken care of and fall into place if you just keep knowing and believing that the dream is yours.  Might sound like a lot of bollocks but its worked for me unfailingly!

So, for now, I have to continue to believe and to focus.  Back in 2007 I would update my blog (especially pre-contest) regularly, put my progress pics on there and write my every feeling and record every meal, every dip and every high.  Things have changed.  This time, I'll just write in it when I can, I'm saving the pre-contest pics for a stage unveiling as I want to keep my competition guessing this year!  Some things are better left as a surprise.  And that's what I want to do.  Surprise the competition!  Wish me luck.  I don't just want to hit that stage this year.  I want to make a comeback in style!  This year is about change - my divorce will be finalised, I'll win the British, I truly will have closed the door on the old 'me', my old way of thinking, my hang ups, my old life and I know this year will be the opening of some incredible dreams and journeys ahead.  Some of them have already started!  But like I said, I'm not revealing all, just yet.  And to my friends who never get to see me as I'm currently working as a means to an end and towards some big dreams, thanks for understanding why you never see me and know it won't be forever that I'll have to be this strict with my schedule.  To my family, I love you heaps for all you have done and continue to do to support me and to Chownie, you're alright too.  ha ha!  Nah, you're the best.  Thanks for all you do to support me.  I never thought my lovely friend would become my new path in life.  Your bodybuilding career is one any natural could only dream of and I hope this year to achieve something even close to what you have achieved and experienced.  You inspire me and man, your laughter and incredibly childish sense of humour has kept me going at times.  Thank you for all that you are.  I look forward to many more years of banter, craziness and sharing my world with you. xxx

With my man, my incredible friend and natural bodybuilding legend, Peter Chown.  :o)

FIRST EVER BLOG ENTRY - FROM PERSONAL TO PROFESSIONAL, UPS AND DOWNS, THE GYM TO BODYBUILDING, THIS SAYS IT ALL!

'WISHES DO COME TRUE!'

This is it - the start, my new year, my fresh start.  Its been one hell of a rollercoaster.  I have not written much on my site for the last two years for good reason.  My life inexplicably turned upside down.  I decided to grab the courage I needed to do something drastic.  On the 15 September 2007, I moved on and my marriage ended, forever.  Yes, the girl who always believed in 'til death do us part' just couldn't do it anymore.  And up until now, I've not had the courage to really talk about it - especially on here.

Life was tough after I decided to move on.  I left a rather envious life in the Middle East, a beautiful life in fact with the man I loved for 13 years to put myself, my mental and physical well-being and my values first along with my dreams of having an exciting and successful career and one day if I'm lucky enough, a family.  Not even many of my closest friends knew how deep down I'd been hurting for so long until after I left.  They all thought I had an amazing life and a happy marriage living in a bizarre and up and coming city in the world.  I seemed to have everything.  But, on the outside, its a cliche I know, but things weren't what they seemed.  I did have all those things on the surface but when I was there, I still felt incredibly empty and it took a trip home to NZ just before I left to really work out the reasons why I felt so sad inside and realise that I just had to go even though I didn't want to.  Those who know and love me know the reasons why I had to go and those reasons are personal and I shall not go into and I'm not ashamed to say I had to go through a breakdown, suicidal thoughts, terrible insomnia, some very low days and a year and a half of therapy to get to where I am now. 

But even though I knew it was going to be hard, I had no idea JUST how hard it really was going to be.  But you know what?  Its been worth every bit of it.

When I left I had no idea how I was going to make it on my own.  Being back in the UK made it all that more real.  Man, I got here and I made mistakes.  I f*cked up, beat myself up and got into a right state at times but I learnt from my mistakes.  I had no home to go to only friends to crash with, no job, no car and a painful end to a very broken marriage but the thing that I had was my self belief, an awesome bunch of family and friends behind me and the determination to succeed.  I had plans, dreams and I knew that I had to do it then.....or I'd never do it.  Sometimes in life you have to accept its not your fault and that you can't fix everything.  And I finally accepted that fact.

Since moving to the UK, I can honestly say now that I am the happiest I have ever been!  Today, just 2 years, 1 month and 29 days after leaving Doha, I am well on my way to having the life I've always wanted.  I have an awesome bunch of clients who's lives I help to transform (I don't see my role as a Personal Trainer as simply training people - helping people succeed FOR GOOD means you have to REALLY want them to succeed and you are able to show them how to do that), I have two successful businesses doing Personal Training and Bootcamp, a book in progress, a beautiful home to live in the outskirts of the Essex countryside, a wee car that gets me to A and B, a fantastic man in my life that I love dearly and that helped me learn how to love and trust again and an awesome bunch of friends.  I love my job, I now know how to put myself first without being selfish and most of all, I have my mental and physical well being back.  And you can't put a price on that in a million years.

My dreams have started, I'm living them and am on the way to achieving others too.  Its an incredibly exciting time!  How did I do it?  Apart from planning, goal setting, hard work and striving forward, it was simply 4 things for me.  Faith, self belief, support and most of all love.  I learned to love me.  Without being a half of someone else and identifying with another soul, I learned that I am enough.  On my own.  And I never ever gave up.

So, as this Friday the 13th comes to an end, as the sun is setting, as it rains softly outside and I reflect on how far I've come, I realise how good life is, how much better it is going to continue to get and how much those around me and those I can help will benefit.  I hope you are one of them.